Our first time to see Ethan after he had arrived at Children’s… We had signed so many consent forms, I was so glad to finally be with him. What stood out to me the most when I first saw him was that he was uncovered, lying on the bed, and had on a diaper. I hadn’t considered he could no longer use the restroom like he had before. In the days to come, the reality would set in through many of these small things our kids do that he was no longer able to do. You know, those milestones they reach as not only infants, but toddlers. We would have to reach EACH one again over the course of the next few months… from holding his head up, opening his mouth, swallowing and even walking. Maybe the tubes coming from his body and his watermelon sized head was to much for me to process at that moment, or maybe it was that I couldn’t recognize which child of mine this was apart from his small body. The swelling in his head had increased so much from when we saw him in Florence until now. I was afraid to touch him. I showed no emotion; Reed cried. I couldn’t. It irritated me that he cried. Maybe because his tears made me feel guilty. After all, it was my fault we were even there! I sat on the couch. Reed stood at his bedside. I watched Reed and waited for him to blame me. He never, not one time did. I am so grateful for his wisdom through all of that nightmare. He took such good care of me and I, in turn, took care of Ethan.

Ethan’s room was still crowded with nurses and doctors. I tried to stay out of their way and let them work. I remember them using the handheld doppler to find a pulse in his foot. They checked for it multiple times during the night. I did not realize until weeks later that they were afraid he would lose the foot at his ankle that night. I didn’t process it, I was just concerned that he was alive. Each person who came into the room introduced themselves, it was to much information for me. I didn’t feel as if this were my baby. He certainly did not look like my Ethan, maybe that’s why I could not cry….this wasn’t actually real…this only happens to other people.

His head was partially shaved and he had a tube (EVD) coming from it. I am so glad I refused to let anyone take his picture. The images in my mind still are bad enough. I wanted to cover him with a blanket. But they wanted him uncovered so they could control his temperature.

I was a muddy, bloody mess, still, and needed to wash my hair. I still had the smell of Ethan’s blood on my skin, as well as debris from the wreck.

Penny told me later that during the car ride I had commented that my hands smelled like blood. She said she offered me germx, but I said, “I can’t wash it off. It’s my baby’s blood.” I had forgotten that until she reminded me. At that time, I was afraid that was all I would have left of him.

I asked the nurse if there was any soap or shampoo that I could use. It was about 3 am and nothing was open in or around the hospital. She told me I could use the foaming hand sanitizer in the bathroom. After a few hours Grant and Kelly showed up with a bag that Anslie had packed for us. She packed exactly what we needed. I wanted Ethan to be better by morning. I had NO idea of how long this road to recovery would last. But he was alive and I was confident he was in good hands.